Well, 2011 came and went. I had no spells of anxiety, though I may have played on my condition sometimes, and went home early whenever I could. It seemed that my line management where not concerned with the fact I was a sufferer of a mental illness. The only ones that understood were my team and mostly important to me, my family.
It was then in 2012 that I began to feel more ill from work. Had a change of management and blow me down, he himself was a sufferer of stress! I could tell from his mannerism! Thought I might have an ally in my line management but how wrong was I to have put my trust in him; for he were to tell the biggest damning lie of all, about myself!
This time I could feel the pressures of work build their bricks on my shoulders. Went back to my doctor to check about my meds; asked to see the OH at work and she amazingly diagnosed at first that I sounded depressed. I do not know why but I objectively disputed this finding, mood swings maybe, but not depressed.
But the pressures were there, more work, lack of space, production problems and problems with vehicle etas. The workload and errors were beginning to affect my staff as well as me, arguing, lack of concentration and to the extreme of one staff member being physically sick at home from stress at work. Then the most defying impact was for our work orders to go live which had a drastic effect on the outbound forecasting to effectively book appropriate transportation.
This work was to settle into a pattern, frustrating the teams on both days and evenings and which in turn impacted the tasks of which one of the most important one was to do the daily stock count. The main problems which were impacting on us were outside of our control, especially so mine, as being in charge of the late team I was not in any position to influence decisions taken during the day. However, despite me reporting these problems I was the one to take it in the neck, the scapegoat for the company’s failings. I was the one called a failure by the factory manager…and that was it, one word…FAILURE…stuck in my mind; couldn’t get it out of my head; sleeplessness; worry came back into my life.
During the next two weeks my mind was a blur, felt determined to go into work to try and ensure problems were ironed out…but that was more defeatist than victorious! The problems the department were facing were of extreme magnitude and when I reported these again the support was not forthcoming from my line management. They, or should I say, he just lambasted his way into me, my team and others on the day team. Threatening to remove us all for issues we had no control over; again he used the word failure to devastating effect…must have been his favourite word. He tried his best to apologise and perhaps I should have criticised his blindness…but I didn’t; just agreed and nodded with his ideas and action plan. I was either more blinded at that point or was just beginning to give up the ghost and walk away.
So on my last weekend of rest of May I tried to blank out work…impossible! Tossing and turning in my sleep, restless, moody, and pacing up and down. Did my best to relax…and then I phoned one of the sport channel providers and paid to be connected so I could watch the rugby final. Last minute decision…did it work for me. Well after my team won it lifted me a little…on social media I put my status:
I am happy as I am now watching the Rugby Final....COME ON YOU QUINS! COYMQ. Go, go, go! Thanks to my lovely wife.
I went out and partied that night, but the following day at work was to be my worst experience of all...
(to be continued...)