Well,
2011 came and went. I had no spells of anxiety, though I may have played on my
condition sometimes, and went home early whenever I could. It seemed that my
line management where not concerned with the fact I was a sufferer of a mental
illness. The only ones that understood were my team and mostly important to me,
my family.
It was
then in 2012 that I began to feel more ill from work. Had a change of
management and blow me down, he himself was a sufferer of stress! I could tell
from his mannerism! Thought I might have an ally in my line management but how
wrong was I to have put my trust in him; for he were to tell the biggest
damning lie of all, about myself!
This time
I could feel the pressures of work build their bricks on my shoulders. Went
back to my doctor to check about my meds; asked to see the OH at work and she amazingly
diagnosed at first that I sounded depressed. I do not know why but I objectively
disputed this finding, mood swings maybe, but not depressed.
But the
pressures were there, more work, lack of space, production problems and
problems with vehicle etas. The workload and errors were beginning to affect my
staff as well as me, arguing, lack of concentration and to the extreme of one
staff member being physically sick at home from stress at work. Then the most
defying impact was for our work orders to go live which had a drastic effect on
the outbound forecasting to effectively book appropriate transportation.
This work
was to settle into a pattern, frustrating the teams on both days and evenings
and which in turn impacted the tasks of which one of the most important one was
to do the daily stock count. The main problems which were impacting on us were
outside of our control, especially so mine, as being in charge of the late team
I was not in any position to influence decisions taken during the day. However,
despite me reporting these problems I was the one to take it in the neck, the
scapegoat for the company’s failings. I was the one called a failure by the
factory manager…and that was it, one word…FAILURE…stuck
in my mind; couldn’t get it out of my head; sleeplessness; worry came back into
my life.
During
the next two weeks my mind was a blur, felt determined to go into work to try
and ensure problems were ironed out…but that was more defeatist than
victorious! The problems the department were facing were of extreme magnitude
and when I reported these again the support was not forthcoming from my line
management. They, or should I say, he just lambasted his way into me, my team
and others on the day team. Threatening to remove us all for issues we had no
control over; again he used the word failure to devastating effect…must have
been his favourite word. He tried his best to apologise and perhaps I should
have criticised his blindness…but I didn’t; just agreed and nodded with his
ideas and action plan. I was either more blinded at that point or was just
beginning to give up the ghost and walk away.
So on my
last weekend of rest of May I tried to blank out work…impossible! Tossing and
turning in my sleep, restless, moody, and pacing up and down. Did my best to
relax…and then I phoned one of the sport channel providers and paid to be
connected so I could watch the rugby final. Last minute decision…did it work
for me. Well after my team won it lifted me a little…on social media I put my
status:
I am
happy as I am now watching the Rugby Final....COME ON YOU QUINS! COYMQ. Go, go,
go! Thanks to my lovely wife.
I went out and partied that night, but the following day at work was to be my worst experience of all...
(to be continued...)
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