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There is only one true world cup which unites around the world...

...and that is the tea cup.

Wednesday, 18 July 2018

Having problems with mental health and having modelled for a cheeky calender to raise awareness about mental health, I was inspired to write this poem:

I need a naked gardener
To tend to my bush
I need a naked gardener
This heavy mower he can push
I need a naked gardener
To trim the lawn edge
I need a naked gardener
To cut back the hedge
I need a naked gardener
To sweep up all the leaves
I need a naked gardener
To flex his muscles as he heaves
A fully laden sack.

I need a naked gardener
Who can put in lots of hours
I need a naked gardener
For spring and summer flowers
I need a naked gardener 
Who can dig over my plot
I need a naked gardener
To add colour to my pots
I need a naked gardener
To prune my glorious shrubs
I need a naked gardener
To stop for tea, a chat
And a gentle ready rub.


Monday, 17 October 2016

A Robin's Love...

They say the robin is a bird of myths and that a robin pulled thorns from Jesus as he was crucified. And the robin is also pictured on Christmas cards. It is indeed a beautiful bird and if you are in the garden working, extremely friendly.

However, I sincerely believe that the robin, should it fly into your home, is a sign of someone passing. But here below I have put a little twist on those myths. Is the robin a Cupid soul...you never know. But rye to that football terrace song:

" When the red, red, robin comes bob, bob, bobbing along.
Shoot the bastard, shoot the bastard, shoot, shoot, shoot the bastard."

So gloriously sung by our once teacher, Mrs Hughes...a very snobby teacher who had accompanied us on our all boys school outing to Wembley Stadium. 

A Robin's Love

He tilled the soil, a robin came close watching him, fluttering around, hopping back and forth. He held myths about robins, a sign someone passing. But he smiled,  happy in a friend close by in his lonely work.
"Tea?", called the lady.

"Okay, thanks!".       

They talked as the robin eyed them both. Refreshed, he finished his work, the robin perched near.  Looking at the lady, empathy pounded his heart. 

Task completed, a beautiful creation, she smiled and thanked him, the robin flying around as their eyes met.      
"See you..two weeks", they said laughing.
"Yes, yes please", sang the robin.
God bless. Amen.

Monday, 3 October 2016

Swear word poem...

Must be wild
If these be mild
Bugger all
Bloody hell
Big arse

Load of crap
Ginger,  damn
Oh god
Goddam, git
Sod off minger.

And then there's the medium
Of incredible taste
Hey arsehole
Load of balls
Bint? Eh what is bint
An urban word..hint, hint.

Bollocks it's bitch
Full of bullshit
Oh feck
Pissed,  munter
Shit, tits
Son of a bitch.

And then there's these
They're totally wrong
Because they're incredibly strong
Bastard, beaver
Beef curtains
Bet they pong.

Now I take it 
That some of these
Relate to women
I'm Trembling knees
Bloodclaat , clunge
Fanny, flaps and gash

No not that
Minge and snatch
urban heavenly flower
No it ain't it's vagina.

And for the men
It's obvious then
Prick or knob
Oh don't forget cock

And then there's words
Too strong to mention
Some might say
Or of phonic sounds for F and K
Oi you can't say that about mamma!

Saturday, 17 September 2016

The fifty shades butchers shop...

Well its been a long time since I did a serious blog and this isn't so, its a light hearted, sensual blag at the popular fifty shades, of which women have gone crazy for, hysterical for and well...thought I might try and jump the band wagon. So if you are that way dirty minded then perhaps this butcher shop idea just might, just might...well you read and make your own mind up. Written on a whim of a social media thread when at a time I was suffering deeply with depressive mind and anxiety and this on that one evening certainly enlightened my mood.
This is how it went...there were four of us in this convo:
A new butcher's is opening up in Mill Hill. It’s going to be called the Fifty Shades Butchers Shop...you will be able to get some raw beef with whip marks, or try a jumbo sausage for size. Alternatively, the sausages will also come in black and are much bigger and succulent. There will be some lovely thighs and firm breasts and for those who cannot afford much there will always be the choice of a greasy bone.

And I take it this is all prepared fresh at your house Mike?? served over the front hedged garden with you own slippery hand!!! Lol

it will be all served in full black leather skin tight suits and chains...

Will you sell the famous Deals very own Fur Burger???? Lol

Oh yes...lol

And Beef Curtain Casserole????

It will come with a free chipolata

there will be plenty of rump apparently

Mick !! this is Butcher porn, don’t get dragged into it !! lol

Said the filling to the mincer Steve!!!

Women will love the shop...I will have to employ MW as the stud manager. We will be rich very, very soon...LOL


Beyond our wildest wives’ wallets, we will mike!!! let’s do it!!! lol

none of those whites and butcher stripes and trilby’s...we will have chains and safety pins on our nipples and piles and lily pad leaves.

I'll supply the piles mike!!! lol

  • (my gosh, what was I thinking of...PILES!)

there will be a lot of humping to ensure the shop is fully stocked

I am a big fan of the spatch-cock chicken. but there are limits !! :-)

Are we weighing in pounds and ounces or the kinky French kilos???

There will be no spring chickens...

there will be plenty of weighing, just remember who weighed the milkman! Best do both measures because there will be a lot given out.

who weighed the milkman !!! this is getting seriously weird lol

Is this really FREE advertising? or do we do Nipple Twisting in part exchange mike! and is that Tax Exempt?

We'll also need good security because someone might want to Bash ya Back Door in mike!!!

don’t worry it be shackled in chains like the rest of the shop. We will have to have some big choppers so we can just whip out for the housewives.

don’t even mention a five bird roast mick !! that could go really wrong!!!!!

Sounds good Steve! that's the local Footballers sorted on Sundays!!! lol

We would have guests like rock stars for a good ole sausage rock and roll...
(at this point I had to edit out any mention to a certain former 70's glitter star)

Now back to slapping the fat about a bit!! lol

we would have to sell venison cos everyone likes a good old dear

anyway ... I think I might go to Morrison’s for my next fillet steak !

we will be able to do strips for those who ask and offer plenty of lean back...

Takes the bruising out of the Testicle Clamping Steve!! lol

and for those who are that way inclined there will be plenty of salami...

Don't slice it mike! there arses are not money boxes!!! lol

tooooooooo much for me !!!!! i am going vegetarian !!!!! thanks Michael

We could also do a side line of good sized cucumbers and big bananas and firm carrots for Steve

why o why did I comment on this? I’ve been trying for years to get people off veg and onto meat what are you playing at mike!!!! lol

Yep the Fifty Shades of Grey Butchers Shop will serve plenty of birds...

our butcher's bike will have a big basket at the front and will be a tandem in case any want a good old ride...

With no Saddles and loads of Cobbled streets lol

Have to go uphill... so when we are near the top we can scream yes, ohhh yes, I am nearly there.... oh, oh, Oh I am there.... that’s the last time I ride up Mill Hill. lmfao

(now here you need to go and listen to the lyrics of song by Chris Hill...its a bloody good laugh)

...our only customer has gone...didn’t matter he were a redhead...

I'll be in the front basket singing Fly me to the moon mike!!! I can't ride a bike anymore lol!!!!

(now the next two lines one must put on a good Italian accent...the pronunciation...then you will get the joke...der) 

would we sell pizzas as some like a good ole pizza on?????

and would we sell meaty snacks with a good ole fork...???????????? pmsl

I can see I’ll have trouble getting you back out of the saveloy and jumbo Sausage chiller!!! we might never see you again!!! lol

some of our meats would already come marinated or well creamed....

They will if I don't keep you on a tight leash young man!!! lol

and of course our sausages would have four skins so that our customers may peel them back...

well I think we have advertised our idea of the woman’s ideal butcher's shop...now just to wait and see who likes it if not all the stock will go off and it won’t be the shop being Fifty Shades of Grey it will be the meat as well...if that happens we will have to call it Azda's Finest Meats.

The Bike could be the main attraction though mike!! think Bradley Wiggins might cut the ribbon on Wide Opening Day??? lol

You could spray your Box Gold in his honour!!! lol

yep we would blast out Queen's Bicycle Song...those fat bottom girls are riding today, so look out for those beauts all year...

Do you think the girls might want to get involved with their cakes mate?

sausages and creamed cupcakes...you might have a good business idea there!!!!!!

I am going now to catch up on EastEnders...I want to be rich as Ian Beale...watch this space!?!? lol

OK Mike I’ll run this business idea past Tracey and see wot she thinks!! got to round up the puppies now mate keep safe and don't put ya tongue in the mincer mate!!! later!!

you forgot to add soft tender beef curtains lmao  (now this was from a female friend...no offence, seriously but soon after the convo of this thread stopped. Either we were just in fits of laughter or our wives had dragged us to bed...lol)

yep we would love to do them as well...big ones and small ones.

And there forth the thread ended...and I had an enjoyable time in bed...lying, well wouldn't you want to know.

Good bye, God bless


Thursday, 25 August 2016

You got to poke them all

Breaking news: Beefeaters have been drafted in to Walmer Castle to protect the historical site from hordes of Pokemon hunters.

A spokesman for English Heritage said the unusual steps were a necessity as the Tudor castle has been made hot spot for Pokemon Go  a game played at most by besotted 25 to 30 year olds fed up with their mundane yuppie working lives.

Many of them have just recovered from V Fest, where they consumed vast amounts of alcohol.

A Dutch tourist to the castle said, "I zeed not no thatz zee Cassel wert so popular, buzz I seez a youngs men waltz into 350 year old artifact of Henry zero 8th and totally fuck whizz it"

A local old disabled man fed up that his favourite parking spot had gone said it fooking stinks that not one of them had even paid to get into the castle.

"They are just walking round looking into their phones...someone needs to get them all a new life which they sell up the Coop".

Thursday, 3 March 2016

Rugby - is it really that bad Ms.Pollock?

Rugby...is it really that bad Ms Pollock.

The open letter, forwarded by Allyson Pollock and countersigned by over 70 academics, calling on the Government to ban rugby in schools clearly sent reverberations around the rugby world this week.

But who is Allyson Pollock and why does she seem to have a bug bear with the game of rugby which has deep traditional roots in the UK. She is a professor in public health matters at a top London university. Her work and research has powerful lobby to sway government think tanks and policy on many matters relating to public health.

So why the bug bear with rugby? It is reported for over ten years this professor has been lobbying about rugby and it's contact nature and injuries to young persons. She is not just an interfering busy body...around 2004  her own son suffered a number of injuries from playing rugby at school including a broken leg and in another incident upper body injury to the head.

Rightly so, as a parent, Ms Pollock was duly alarmed, shocked and angry...basically any parent would be as that is a fact of life. Most parents would have to simply face up to the hard school of knocks...such things happen! But for Ms Pollock, in her career, education and academic work she had the tools to rattle the feathers of the school and the rugby association in realising their responsibilities in dealing with such incidents.

So since then she has penned many articles on injury to young persons in rugby and calls for the banning of the tackle and scrum or for the rugby hierarchy to change the rules and laws of the game among youth teams. She is campaigning for an outright ban of rugby in schools and be replaced with a non contact alternative...tag or touch rugby.

She is prepared to start an e-petition in this matter so that it forces debate in parliament and she clearly has the ambition, factual resentment and academic advantage to succeed in that quest. But will her quest have repercussion for the game in general...certainly there is very real threat to this very traditional deep rooted cultural sport in that if you root out the contact element at youth level then  future generations will never learn the disciplines required to absorb contact at senior level.

Contact in rugby, in my experience, is introduced at the age of nine at club level. It is phased in over a number of years and includes ways on how to fall to ground and protecting oneself in contact situations on the field.  In schools contact is not played until year seven, tag or touch is predominant in primary schools. At secondary level, the contact element is firstly only put before boys on the curriculum, rarely offered towards girls.

Clearly there is argument and differentiation on how rugby is delivered in schools as compared to club rugby. There is a sad lacking in duty of care and primary prevention and significant shifts in schools moving away from physical sport to alternative fitness such as dance - which is hugely resented by boys.

One cannot remove contact elements in rugby just so in schools alone. If you are to have rigid policy protecting children then club rugby would have to adapt as well. Rugby here could follow the rules and laws as in French and NZ and have calendar year groups, weight groups, uncontested scrums at youth level...so would such a move satisfy the quest of Ms.Pollock? I doubt it!

Remember this, it doesn't matter how much you change the rules or to what extent you ban or reduce the element  of contact there will always be that one child who wants to put the fear of God into the opposition;  there will always be that one child who thinks they are clever ducking and diving attempted tackles; and there will always be that one child who kicks against the tackle trying to stay on their feet, swinging their elbows in wild unison. This is where inherent danger lies when those playing ignore the technique and discipline demanded by the sport.

The RFU is taking rugby programmes into schools in a serious way and has a long way to go to achieve its aims. Also the alarm bells ringing out around rugby injuries ought be put into comparisons not only against other contact sports but non-contact sport such as gymnastics and cycling. And then consider this how many children are hurt just at break time alone...probably a comparable number. Then what about outside school such as skate parks? Are councils dismantling these parks? Are schools stopping break time activity?

I bid you farewell and let you all make your informed choice and debate on this matter. Stay safe.

God bless