Tuesday, 16 December 2014

A lyrical interview with Santa...

Well, apparently Santa is back and I was lucky enough to interview the great man.

"Why do you do this Santa and in our world of austerity can you bring good cheer to everyone in 2014?"

It's not about the money, money, money
We don't need your money, money, money
We just wanna make the world dance
Forget about the price tag

"Yes I know it's not about the money but you have a naughty and nice list, is that fair in this world today, is everyone not equal?"

You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one

"Ah, what with extended families, terrorism, our world is full of extremes, you really still provide good cheer at Xmas, should we not strive for that everyday?"

Tonight, tonight, we gotta live for
We gotta live for these days
Tonight, tonight, we'll remember
We'll remember these days

"Thats nice Santa but if you were my present what would I get?"

You got me wrapped up

"Sadly many think Xmas is too commercialised and tradition now is to substitute Xmas with 'holiday'...how do feel about that?"

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades
And the crowds don't remember my name
When my hands don't play the strings the same way, mm
I know you will still love me the same

"Yeah, sounds good you will never be forgotten Santa but what about Xmas everyday or are you too busy for that?"

Another day of living, yeah 
I just want to celebrate another day of living 
I just want to celebrate another day of life 

Don't let it all get you down, 
Don't let it turn you around and around 

"Well its getting on and time is of the essence if you are going to deliver all those presents maybe I could help you?"

Don't stop me now...

"Santa?....and why do you look like Arnold Schwarz......?"

It's Christmas....

I could pay you...just tonite...please???"

It's not about the money, money, money
We don't need your money, money, money
We just wanna make the world dance
Forget about the price tag

"Bye Santa...will we see you next year?"

I'll be back!....Merry Xmas!

Saturday, 13 December 2014

What a classic...!

Ford Corsair 2000E, Dinky no: 169

12 days of Xmas laundry

12 days of Xmas laundry

On the 1st day of Xmas my washing machine gave to me,
A white wash on number 3.
On the 2nd day of Xmas my washing machine gave to me,
Two missing socks and a white wash on number 3.
On the 3rd day of Xmas my washing machine gave to me,
Three safety pins, two missing socks and a white wash on number 3.
On the 4th day of Xmas my washing machine gave to me,
Four bra bones, three safety pins, two missing socks and a white wash on number 3.
On the the 5th day of Xmas my washing machine gave to me,
Five cur__tain rings.
Four bra bones, three safety pins, two missing socks and a white wash on number 3.
On the 6th day of Xmas my washing machine gave to me,
Six shirts a spinning, five cur__tain rings.
Four bra bones, three safety pins, two missing socks and a white wash on number 3.
On the 7th day of Xmas my washing machine gave to me,
Oh my God we're swimming, six shirts a spinning, five cur__tain rings.
Four bra bones, three safety pins, two missing socks and white wash on number 3.
On the 8th day of Xmas my washing machine gave to me,
My feet are bloody dancing, oh my God we're swimming , six shirts a spinning, five cur__tain rings.
Four bra bones, three safety pins, two missing socks and a white wash on number 3.
On the 9th day of Xmas my washing machine gave to me,
The phone emergency, my feet are bloody dancing, oh my God we're swimming, six shirts a spinning, five cur__tain rings.
Four bra bones, three safety pins, two missing socks and a white washing on number 3.
On the 10th day of Xmas my washing machine gave to me,
Ten engineers, the phone emergency, my feet are bloody dancing, oh my God we're swimming, six shirts a spinning, five cur__tain rings.
Four bra bones, three safety pins, two missing socks and a white wash on number 3.
On the 11th day of Xmas my washing machine gave to me,
All the pipes pumping water, blood__y every__where....
And on the 12th day of Xmas with my shrunken underwear,
The sledge hammer came in handy; cos my partner said where' s my socks; so I hit him square in the rocks;
Four bra bones, three safety pins, two missing socks and sod you all insurance emergency.

Saturday, 6 December 2014

My Big Sister....

Haven't seriously blogged for a while now for a few weeks. Entirely not me at all...says he fibbing! Maybe, there is not much at the moment that catches my heart strings, not deep and personal that I can take the Micky out of, or perhaps the world is so full of depressing thoughts to such an extent that I feel that we are all in danger.


I mean asteroids, was once the greatest electronic game ever, simple electronic LED images of a triangular space ship firing out laser beams destroying rocks shaped like nuggets that were approaching you at all angles. So much better than Space Invaders!

And then of recent times we had that those films, Hollywood of course, about asteroids threatening the Earth....Deep Impact was one and the other I recall starred Bruce Willis and a group of miners landing on an asteroid, or was that the same film. Yep, asteroids hurtling round space and maybe hitting on mankind is kind of a worry but it only happens in films....does it not!

No way, WTF, one seriously hit Russia...came out of nowhere, none of space giants, NASA, Jodderal Bank...jeez that didn't even know it was coming. Not even the bloody space station was looking for it, slipped straight past and wham, bang thank you very much.

And then, just of late, mankind has landed some space craft probe on an actual piece of space rock to carry out scientific experiments to find existence of life...ah now that's purpose in life and example as to why one should endeavour to do your Maths at school, you know all those logarithms and tangents and algebra and how many sides in a Rubic Cube shite oh and of course BODMAS....and the ultimate learning for eleven years of your life, the 12 times table only to find out that in the real world of work that you need to learn every table above 12...yes Maths is important, especially so for asteroid exploration.

Yes, we have landed a craft on an asteroid, looking for life and if there is life we have probably pissed off a few bacteria....or maybe we wiped out a whole civilisation with the landing feet of the craft, a civilisation so small, that were so peeved with us landing on Mars and the Moon that they sent out an entire army or fleet of space ships with intent of destroying mankind, they sailed right past the Space Station, slipped past the GCHQ listening masts, went un-noticed by NASA but alas so small they were swallowed by a dog...( tributes to Douglas Adams and that guide).

And then what did I read of recently, and blogged so carelessly over Facebook...we have got to start taking it seriously to look out for asteroids and do something about it as a world now! Remember the one that wiped out the dinosaurs...really...well another one of them is heading our way...or could do!

My Big Sister...

So why the heck have I titled this 'My Big Sister'...well for one I thought I just talk about asteroids,better than talking about, blogging about the war on so called terror in the Middle East. Or talking of the Ebola situation. Sorry folks, but we can overcome these...one day, one day!

Well, to my sister I would like to say...if the big rock does ever come along...that I forgive you for pushing me down the stairs when we were babes, forgive you for pushing my big fat arse through that pane glass window, sorry for knocking your front tooth out when we onced argued. Oh and just to let you know...when we had our school photo taken together it made me cringe (oh the thought).

And I will never forget that day, as you have mostly had your hair short, apart from that bloody stupid perm you once had, and that waiter at that seafront cafe as he presented your refreshments he said unto you, " Here you are little boy!".  Oh the joy, the look on your face could have destroyed any asteroid. There were steam coming out of your ears!

Ah, childhood...and as family do you drift apart in different directions or you stay close. Well we drifted apart but now for purpose we are more ever closer than before. Alas, my bond with my brother is not as strong but I pray that it will. Love you sis, and thanks for being there so to speak. God bless and amen.

Saturday, 15 November 2014

Xmas is coming, Santa Claus is coming...

My wife says you know when Xmas is coming because all men are miserable...

Ha, ha, ha, ha...what do you mean?

Well I am for one looking forward to it especially conjuring up the trick of trying to get rid of the household waste...

And yes this will be Xmas morning all round...

There will be an endless duty of making tea for everyone...
There will be an endless desire for sweets and snacks...how will I fit that dinner in?
The housework wont be done...

There will be a few unwanted clothing gifts...
Oh yes, that's just a few gripes...of course I am looking forward to Xmas cos Santa Claus is coming!
God bless and amen.

Saturday, 1 November 2014

Well what a Halloween that was...

Now that one day holiday event is yet gain over for another year and as some breathe a sigh of relief that the night caused them no pain, and as all the little children be they 5 year-olds or well into their teenage years trudge off home to devour the sweets and count their monies gained, it is always nice to dwell on the written word of humour to make lite of public life.

For instance, the season is about ghosts and the like so a good written one liner will always go down well at this time of year, especially so when the clocks have just turned back that hour bringing on the darkness much quicker than we all expect, as usual…

‘Jeez thought I saw a four legged ghost...then realized I dropped tea towel on the dog...lol’

Ah yes, this one written line has power to amuse because it focuses on our own lives in real-time, as we can imagine that this could happen, does happen and probably has happened.

But do we really like this time of year, is it now so deep in tradition to have groups of fancy dress clad family and strangers knocking at our doors that we regard it as entertainment, to put on our door stops cut out images in pumpkins, to have ready a bowl full of sweets to hand so readily to callers when all we want is an evening of undisturbed peace and tranquility.

I know of some who invested well in those Haribo’s and Allsorts and did not get any callers at all and then there were those who were unselfishly pranked by the mischievous few who had desire to remove bikes and smash those pumpkins…sadly yes we have to live with the extreme.

Apart from the fancy dressing up bit and reflecting on the good and bad of the evening there is always the given comical side to this time of year…mostly in pictures of very artistically inventive pumpkin designs…but could any of you peeps imagine this…

  ‘Well what a Halloween that was...as we heard the knock of the last callers, we had run out of sweets,    decided to make shadow of myself in front door window, prior to opening, and raised my arms up like a beast, and letting out a blood curdling growl as thought this would entertain the little ones outside my door.
   However, on opening the door I was greeted not with the customary "trick or treat" but by two rather wide-eyed expressionless faces whom said, “ Would one like to take our leaflet The Watchtower and may you visit Kingdom Hall one day...do you think things happen for a reason?"
I certainly do my dear friends, I certainly do...LOL’

This story of course is fictional, yet comical and would never happen…er, could it? It enlightens our approach to Halloween whilst encompassing our disdain to the work of Jehovah’s and encaptures those foolish moments when we might act first and think later…we all love to chuckle at those embarrassing moments of human life.

Anyway best go as I have discovered new word of an old saying, “Making wholeness heals the maker…” – something said by Christopher Alexander…who? Um, exactly what I thought!

God bless and amen.

Saturday, 25 October 2014

Allowable living expenses...who are they kidding?

Well, recently applied for health costs and the reply has not long come back...WHAT? I can afford WHAT?

Who are they kidding? I was gobsmacked...when you're down, you are down, you do not need another kick in the mouth...cant be in the teeth cos the dentist has taken most of them out at my expense. And when he lands you with another top band of treatment, no not lands, formally tells you off because you need a bloody crown...and the costs. "It will only cost £219.00!"

"Ah, can I pay in instalments, please?"

"Er, no!"

If you just so happen to have suffered from poor dental hygiene then dental treatment is a very high cost. Thank goodness my health cert says that we can afford the first £376 of such treatment. Get real NHS the top band is only £219 pounds...pounds...pounds!

So, scrutinizing the workings they say that as couple we only need £113 to live on per week, plus the cost of any mortgage and council tax which is a grand total guide of two hundred and forty so pounds...surely after lasts week shopping they left off a few zeros! Or perhaps put the decimal point in the wrong place!

Then they have a cheek to compare that against our income, which sadly works out that we have a surplus of just over hundred pounds a week spare..yep you guessed, they didn't come shopping with us at Lidl, or was it Aldi...As my wife says, "We have to live like Kings for the first week of the month and paupers for the rest!"...lol.

...allowable expenses...
This called for some research. Well, frankly on GOV.UK I have no idea how in typing into the search engine for allowable living expenses other than what the heck has taking a trip to the outer reaches of the third world got to do with allowable living expenses. Der???????????
Maybe, they do not want you to know what their ridiculous figures are whilst paying MP's another few grand on top of their salaries. Or to the fact that our top brass are trying to keep public pay rises to less than 1%...it certainly feels like a them and us world! But I knew that anyway.
Even, under Income Support rules, have suppressed allowances...as a family you no longer are given allowance for any children as this is deemed to be taken care of under tax credits...so the first rule of any guide is that as a couple you only need that £113 a week to live...live a life of what?
I delve further through internet pages looking for material, even the Irish acknowledge that they do not expect those on the lower income scale to live a sub-standard life...they should have the right to clothe, drink and be merry just like any other person.
And, upstairs I find our last thwarted claim for council tax...but that is of sad reading as well, as a family of four you ought be able to live on £240 a week. Ha, ha more austerity!
Actual needs...
So, on having researched depressingly for a serious answer to my whoa, I end up in a wealth of debt advice sites...now this is more like it, the true cost of what one would need to live on and still scrape the barrel of life...or go bankrupt!
Why is it that insolvency rules are vastly different from what the government says you actually need to live on...well that's easy to answer they obviously do not like fat cat bankers, along with public workers and those on social benefits and UKIP of course!
Well, relieved to discover that we actually would need £1700 plus a month to live, which works out something like £412 to live like the Irish. Compare that to £240 under income support rules then that's a short fall of £180 a week...so who are they kidding? Well, haven't a clue, perhaps this should read "...who are they killing?...". That would be more apt.
Now, going back to our claim for health costs, I take away all the costs quoted for children and as a couple we would still need £1500 at least each month, which is a weekly sum of £350 plus so on taking away our present income we are £10 short...and they claim we would be £106 in surplus.
Crickey, even creditors would recognise that a family of four would require to spend on food shopping alone £100 pound a week. Take this off the £240 and that £140 has to go towards all your other costs...well can tell you that wont go far given consideration to travel (petrol £20/week), school dinners (£2 per child per day), pocket money (my kids are robbing me), mobiles and internet (everyone in the house lives like an adult), clothes (shabby chic looking and shoes don't last), gas and electric (£30 a week)...pets, laundry, social activity.
...no more blood in the stone...
And it goes on and on...need I not say. Yes, the answer is to earn more if one can...read somewhere that there are more going into self-employment, which is what I am doing, and my good wife exceeds herself doing extra hours but one can only squeeze the stone so much.
But at sometime when one is branching out on a new path there will be tough times but one would steely expect some decency of aid when there is no more blood in the stone...but in measures of austerity the government is stating tough, big time, and it hurts.
Not that I am shocked, with a thread on Mumsnet, there are many scraping the barrel with whatever comes in an equal amount goes out. And it makes no surprising read that probably 50% of the nation are in the same situ as us...but in a modern day world it is sad, especially so when the government has been fighting pointless wars and the cost of petrol has remained a constant high.
It has nowt to do with austerity...more like lying about the true cost of living. Now to go and stick to budget plan; get a nice cuppa on; what no milk??? Oh shite, cant be bothered to walk to Tesco just to save 10p...the Coop is just ten doors away!
Farewell, God bless and amen.