Clearly,
one of the biggest chapters in my life is that I have had to live with the
mental state of anxiety and depression. Not only in me but also in my wife as
well, because she has endured everything that I have gone through, supported
me, cared for me, coped and put up with me and on some occasions walked out in
anger because of this.
This is
not something that can be cured…you can’t just wave it away and it’s gone like
a pesky fly…this is something you have to learn to live with and when you
become aware it is creeping up on you then one should do something
about…otherwise it becomes too late and you become ill, really ill.
It is
hard to say when this actually started but it is likely to have emanated from
when we entered into a debt management programme (DMP). This was back in 2009
and it just happened that a past friend of mine died, news I did not want to
deal with but somehow had to show that I cared enough to grieve, and also at
the time there were some major changes happening at work. Gosh, work! This was
to be the one biggest contributory factor of all and I just did not know it or
too scared to face up to it I suppose.
So, in
trying to deal with our personal problems, and my annoyance with work, things
began to take their toll, not only on me but on my wife as well. The biggest
shock to my system were the words of the debt counsellor, we had all our
banking with one high street bank, account, credit cards, loans, mortgage, and
her words were blunt, “Michael, you need to change
your bank if you want to stay in your house. Do that tomorrow without fail…”
Her words
kept ringing in my head as she explained that your bank doesn’t care if money
in your account is for the mortgage payment, if you owe towards the credit card
and that bill is due, your bank has power to just take it without notice, “…change
your bank!”
From then
on things changed, I changed, in my attitude, mood, relationships, at work, at
home. I took my anger out on material things at work and at the same time took
on more hours, because a colleague was off ill! Outside of work, yes I went to
my friend’s funeral, a sad affair to say; yet going into debt, and constant
calls from creditors, brought me and my wife closer. Consequence of it all, my
sleep patterns changed, took less time on my personal hygiene, changed my clothes
less often and what I didn’t notice or wanted to ignore was the fear of work. A
fear of work, fear, fear, fear!
I was
like a pressure cooker, so built up with steam, trying to push the lid off just
wanting, not to explode, but waiting for the chef to come along and relieve the
pressure. This I knew was not going to happen and blindly I carried on a
downward path. So by the time of the summer, and having finished an exhausting
week of toil at work my wife took one look at me, “Michael, you’re not going to
work today. Look at you! You’re going to the doctor’s…” I was sat down
and shaking, I was tired, I was moody, I was tearful, I was hating everything
around me, I was hating all my thoughts. I was ill!
My wife
wouldn’t let me drive the short journey to the surgery; she booked a taxi as I was
in no fit state to drive. She had phoned my work to tell them I would not be
there, which clearly they did not like…I could tell from the way she had spoken
to them…and so to the doctor we went, and through the shaking and tears told
him of how I felt. It really didn’t need explaining, he sort of reached for the
sick notes and prescription pad and signed me off work and put me on meds that
would help me cope. He knew! Signed me off indefinitely! I was in a world of
disbelief…I had anxiety, I had depression!
***
(to be continued...)
To be continued...
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