The caring game blame

I hate being in this caring role. At first I thought I was strong, had my anticipations and worried anxiousness, but thought I was able enough to cope because these were my parents and they needed me not just as their son but as a caring, loving, emphatic son whom they could rely on to care for them as they now required.

So four months into this journey and I am fighting demons in my head. In essence governed society doesn't give a damn...why because my parents have the immediate fortune to fund their care which sadly for them is expensive whether it be in their own home or if they were ever forced to go into residential care.

Secondly, why should they have to go into a care home. Just because my mother had fall she is recovering and fighting back being resilient as she can. My dad, though he has dementia, just doesn't deserve that indignity and loss of going somewhere strange. They ought to have the choice to live and die in their own comfort.

And that is where I fight my demons. My parents reward me an allowance, cash gifts in their need. Deep down I don't wish for them to go into private care as the battle is to keep them well in their home...sadly a home that cannot meet or fit their present needs. 

It is the daily routine of emptying a commode; the daily task of encouraging my mum to overcome her fragility of fear; the daily witnessing of my father wetting himself or not consuming his food in a normal person's manner; or on some days the constant operation of laundry; the planning out of their meals; it is the blanking of his swearing moods as I change his clothes for an umpteenth time, sometimes myself snapping in tired frustration and concern; it is carrying the shoulder of their daily worries and pain; it is the worry of leaving them in their own company at any time and coming back to unexpected, but knowingly I should  be prepared for such eventualities, confusion and pain so ought to spring into mindful action and compassionate help...but just lately i seem to have hit a wall.

Then there is the burden of home, my family, my wife, my children. My wife also cares for her parents and holds down a full time job. I fear our children are suffering just as much as I feel for the pain my wife burdens as I burden the same here...everything seems just wrong, WRONG I tell and keep telling myself.

I blame myself, frugal living of not having the wealth or the forethought to have rightly planned or of not having had that care to have led an exemplary career to give my children that right to have a good start in their adult life's. I look back and I have wished that I hadn't done this and that and put more thought into certain things that have deemed our way  presently. I just feel I have let everyone down because I have not found the safest path in this journey and that the path i am on is crumbling away.

Sincerely, I have the assurance that I am not alone and that every person who cares for a dependant is in the same situation and feels the same frustration and pain. I just feel that I have more complex pain and right now that wall, I want a large sledge hammer and smash that wall and those bricks into, not rubble, but brick dust. I want to scream at the top of my head and shout, "Lord, I asked for an Angel and you failed me...YOU FAILED ME!"

God bless

Amen.

Caring for elderly is an insane madness (part I)

Why is caring for parents so bloody hard?

When one is thrown into the role of carer for elderly parents then one can surmise that this ought be easy at first. After all you have a relationship with your parents that has grown from that parent-child role into adult-adult status. 

And this assumption is ones first big mistake because if you are having to care because, let's say, your mother is no longer mobile or maybe your father has dementia, then your heart and mind will be seriously challenged.  It is like an egg timer being turned upside down with a massive shake so that the sand slips through faster than expected. As carer you will have to lessen that flow to give your parents and yourself a good  balance of life, and that will be hard going, emotionally, mentally and sometimes physically.

How you step into this role of carer depends on your expectations and circumstances. Do not expect it to be a quick fix because it won't be...it is a gruelling slog and if you are not readily fit for it then one will certainly suffer its pain. It will be like stumbling over sticks you fall and simply pick yourself up and start again. But learn from that fall.

In this modern age of England most of our parents probably reside in homes that most may have no downstairs toilet. So if your parent has had a fall and the most common injury in old age is a broken hip, then take heed because the recovery of a hip replacement is around six months. Therefore, with no downstairs toilet, a commode will be essential in their recovery, so plenty of air spray, pleasant smelling wipes and a nose peg will be needed...honestly, damn right essential!

Let's make the challenge more challenging...one parent is now less mobile and the other has dementia for it is this disease of the mind that to a carer is the most emotionally and mentally, dysfunctional test of character that will either harden your resolve and certainly change your once adult to adult relationship to a child-parent role. Your dementia suffering parent being the now child and you as "parent".

My advent blog...day ten and eleven

This my advent blog. Something to tell to you of that you may not have heard elsewhere, or of my worries or concerns about life. You may be able to relate to the themes I shall express so please enjoy.

So to paint the next windows or picture for days 10 & 11. Remember it is always nice to build up a few openings as those chocolates are so small...and anyway we are a busy lot.

This caring lark has been difficult. My father went to the dementia suite and it was full with clients with the same infliction. My mum was being cared for at home by the visiting enablement team. Not sure if it were just tiredness but for some reason I burst into tears in the middle of the local supermarket.

Today was a much different day. A better day. Mum joked with the carer...both pint size; carer and patient...lol. Dad slept well, think I slept well, better at least. And after dinner, mum wrote out Xmas cards and dad watched a film and I was able to visit my own family for a brief time...hooray!

Perhaps things will get better or my prayer has been answered and an Angel is at my side...so bearing all this in mind I ponder you the Rocking Around the Xmas Tree.

Enjoy your chocolates

Amen.

My advent blog...day nine.

This my advent blog. Something to tell to you of that you may not have heard elsewhere, or of my worries or concerns about life. You may be able to relate to the themes I shall express so please enjoy.

So to paint a picture or window for day 9. My mother returned home today from rehab, having had an emergency hip operation. 

As part of her on going care firstly she was transported home by hospital transport, visited by the enablement team and called on by a district nurse. So today has seen and been a lot of coming and going by the Angels of our health service.

And as we settle down for the evening my father who has dementia made attempt to place the phone back in its cradle and bemusing to me we were phoned by the police to ask if everything was okay at my parents address.

I explained what may have happened and they confirmed that they had heard my father express himself  replacing the phone, which I did for him. In doing so he must have dialled three nines and they dutifully phoned back...another angel to ensure that everything was alright.

So I ponder you the song While Shephards Watch Their Flocks by Night

Enjoy your ninth chocolate

Amen

My advent blog...days seven & eight

This my advent blog. Something to tell to you of that you may not have heard elsewhere, or of my worries or concerns about life. You may be able to relate to the themes I shall express so please enjoy.

So to paint the next two pictures or windows. Sometime you forget to open your advent on some days and when you do open them you several to open.

On the seventh day I had a phone call from one of my clients family. He served me with the sad news that his father, whom were my client, had passed away. Following a fall he was admitted to hospital and at 92 years one does not fall without causing some injury, if not serious. His were serious and with his two sons present he gave up his will to live.

On the eighth day I find myself yet again at my fathers house, looking after him whilst mum is still in rehab. My sister has treated him well but we both can see changes in him which we expect. On retiring to bed I expected him to be restless but as I write this I have not heard a peak.

So I ponder you the song Silent Night 

Enjoy your chocolates

Amen

My advent blog...day six.

This my advent blog. Something to tell to you of that you may not have heard elsewhere, or of my worries or concerns about life. You may be able to relate to the themes I shall express so please enjoy.

 

 

So to paint the picture or window for day 6. My son played for his team today in a local rugby cup semi-final.

 

Today, though my son's team lost they played fairly good and gave their opponents a hard fought struggle to win. However, the opponents did not do justice to their own playing flair and were soon at odds with the referee believing they had the right to argue decisions. They also, tried to wind up my sons team with added aggression which failed. And this team's parents, some were also heard to be slightly ungentlemanly.

 

My son and his team remained unfazed by this conduct and though they had a little crossly banter with their opponents at the end of the game, they came off the pitch holding their heads up high and accepted defeat in valour.

 

So I ponder you this song Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas.

 

Enjoy for sixth chocolate,

Amen.



My advent blog...day five

This my advent blog. Something to tell to you of that you may not have heard elsewhere, or of my worries or concerns about life. You may be able to relate to the themes I shall express so please enjoy.

So to paint the picture or window for day 5.

Xmas shopping

The outs but not down...

The band of salvation xmas caroling

 

 

St. Nick





And so I ponder you the song It's beginning a lot to look like Christmas.

 

Enjoy your fifth chocolate

Amen

My advent blog...day four.

This my advent blog. Something to tell to you of that you may not have heard elsewhere, or of my worries or concerns about life. You may be able to relate to the themes I shall express so please enjoy.

 

 

So to set the picture or window for day 4. Now I am IT literate, so is my wife, my son and my daughter however we are not blinking software or hardware engineers.

 

Isn't it frustrating when your hardware fails to work as you so wish, like your printer not printing out and sending everything to print manager or your wireless keyboard having a moment when you cannot type a bloody thing, change the batteries and still nowt works.

 

Then after a bit of fiddling around, or clicking almost every icon on the screen they somehow magically spring back into life and everything returns to normal. That's after one has had argument with loved ones with cries of "Oh let me try to sort it out" or "Come here let me do it" when in stark reality neither have any idea or clue as to the right solution.

 

Yes there is the help button and yes we ought have some kind of written reference to troubleshoot in such a time...but we don't and crack on regardless, perhaps unwittingly may have anonymously hacked into some super computer controlling the earth's money or weaponry.

 

So bearing all this in mind I ponder you the song Do You Hear What I Hear.

 

Enjoy your forth chocolate.

Amen

My advent blog...day three

This my advent blog. Something to tell to you of that you may not have heard elsewhere, or of my worries or concerns about life. You may be able to relate to the themes I shall express so please enjoy.

So to paint the picture or window for day 3. My son has cooking tomorrow, his favourite subject or at least one of them. Also today I met my friend's dad in town entering the Vape shop.

Our son being our son has only just reminded us of what he is cooking in class this week. Now most students would have come home with an instruction sheet on what is needed to take in for the lesson. So we shall have to ring the school tomorrow in order to obtain this information, go buy what will be needed and I shall have to take them into school in time for his lesson...troublesome as I have also a meeting with his head teacher!

So to my friend's dad. I saw him enter the Vape shop which made me inquisitive as to why he had and therefore I waited for him to come out and I asked him why?  He had gone in their to ask if what they sold were some sort of legal drugs...which I can understand is just like him to enquire, strangely.

Bearing these two tales in mind comes to me the word perception and I thought of the xmas song It Came Upon the Midnight Clear.

Enjoy your third chocolate.
Amen

My advent blog...day two.

This my advent blog. Something to tell to you of that you may not have heard elsewhere, or of my worries or concerns about life. You may be able to relate to the themes I shall express so please enjoy.

So to paint the second picture or window, here goes! I decided to look out for the joyous moments of the day, the triumphant moments and whatever seemed to be faithful in nature.

Last night I found a film for my dad to watch, a Clint Eastwood film from the 'Dirty Harry' movies. I forget the title, but dad amazingly to me watched every minute. Whether he understood or followed the plot I do not know. At each break for the adverts he did not know if the film had finished...clearly he must have assumed the adverts to be part of the film. Triumph!

He also slept well and the next day his daily carer was able to get him from his slumber, washed and dressed with great professionalism. After breakfast and some housework I took my dad into town. Here he met someone he knew, but could not at first remember or recall until they exchanged names. When my dad realised and his distant memory kicked in he was beaming and smiling.

And then as we visited the centre for the elderly he recalled the care coordinator and the leader of the dementia suite. I was amazed and proud my dad had remembered them so well having only ever met them briefly to my knowledge. Joyous!

In the town we met up with my wife, bear in mind in doing this 24/7 care I have not seen my family for several days. Together we went back to our house for a cuppa, my wife talked about her day and what she had been doing. In her face was a look of sadness, missing me, missing that little help I would have done around the house, missing me earn some dollar for the day gardening, missing my distant love, a shoulder to cry on and lean on when needed.

I expressed a fear that she were doing to much and should relax, slow down for her sake for she had hurt herself this morning. I suppose we were both sad, but had a deep understanding of our family situations with caring keeping us apart. And our children are coming to terms, slowly, with this predicament. Faithfulness!

But on this day our MP's are debating and likely to vote for military action in Syria...will this action make any difference in securing peace in our world today. Can we really eradicate the cause of this action. Ponder these thoughts and reflect on the song O Come all ye Faithful. 

Enjoy your second chocolate

Amen

My advent blog...day one.

This my advent blog. Something to tell to you of that you may not have heard elsewhere, or of my worries or concerns about life. You may be able to relate to the themes I shall express so please enjoy.

To paint the first picture or window, my mother is in rehab recovering from a broken hip and I am 24/7 caring for dad whom has dementia. Today, when we visited my mother in rehab, she introduced me to a new patient next to her, Eileen. This lady was recovering from a fall and a hip replacement.

Eileen told me she were 93 years of age, lived alone in her own home, with a large garden. Being very well and active for her age, Eileen loved her garden. Of course there are jobs that she could no longer do like mowing the grass so has in a regular person to mow the lawn. She would potter around her garden doing most other jobs herself. 

But, then one day, recently, she fell whilst bending to tend her garden. Not sure of what happened, she felt pain and could not get herself up. She called out for help, but no one heard or came. She had the gumption, despite the agony to crawl some 50 yards down the side alley of her home, grappled the latch of the gate in some godly miracle, and dragged herself to the front, the path, the road whereby she stopped a passerby whom called for an ambulance.

This story of her plight to me sounded so sad. Each elderly person in this rehab has a story to tell of how they fell, most are living alone at home and each will be set a goal by the rehab to return home. It happens every day, every week in every place. Some will not return home. 

For those whom still have a partner at home, then family or friends step in to care, like me caring for my dad. So as you open this window may I remind you of the song I'll be home for Christmas. 

Enjoy your first chocolate
Amen.

Dementia sucks....but hey! I can cook?

A sketch of my dad at The Waiting Miner

Well, I have been into this #dementiasucks lark for over two weeks now, helping my dad in his 24/7 care as he battles dementia, my mum laid up in rehab care,  recovering from an emergency hip replacement (partial) and it feels like a roller coaster of emotions.

It has also been a road of self discovery, self belief, crying by self, sleeping by self and being by self...so I have raided my mums iPad and blogged away contently at what I can only describe as "can this year get any better or worse."

Apart from the games, zip up and down, pants up, pants down, sock on, sock off, walk around the living room, touch things, move things, move things back things, the singing to nowt but Nat King Cole, telly on, telly off, open front door, close front door, wipe up, chuck cuttery in any fooking drawer, take them out, put them back..."Hey son!? Is this right?"; then the daily ritual of recycling so then have to play that outdoor game of  "get the right recyclable into the correct bin"... then you wonder and question why, why, why?

That is a just part of his daily routines and habits and when one becomes accustomed to them, like eating meals with his cutlery knife, then it makes this caring lark a little more easier as each day passes and not the dreaded challenge that I feared. I discovered things, met past acquaintances, met people I have never met before and probably never has my dad as he goes about that staring, eventually asking "Do I know you?".... Jeez next time I will make sure I put that extra hour on my car!

Then there is the dribbling, runny nose, shuffling of his feet, kicking away the fallen rubbish or leaf on the ground. And, when we visit mum there is the calling her precious...but most of all is the crying, floods of tears that I just can't hold back...weep, weep, weep! Oh and dad crying too!

The saddest and most hurting bit is being apart from my family...my good wife...now leading the single mother life style but still struggling with the family ups and downs of before and now. I miss my kids, taking my daughter reluctantly to the station each day #dadstaxi; the giving-in to the daily demands of my son, our son, troublesome in the nicest possible way.

So I find myself here with dad, sometimes lonely, building up a new relationship with a father whom is a totally different character...not the dad I once knew, not the dad he was and never will be again, but still my dad, my brother and sisters' dad, husband of nearly 60 years to mum...for he has changed due to dementia and will keep changing, downwardly until Heaven has a room ready for him.

In this brief time, we have become closer. We have had walks out, family have visited and I am blessed with the knowing how truly wonderful my aunts and uncles have been...dutiful so dutiful. And I found out that I can cook....don't tell the wife...I can organise but maybe not assertively as my sister - poor big brother he got a sharp telling off - and I can clean plumbing pipes!!

And with this organising, arranging care, I have learnt to be sneaky and state a few fibs to dad so not cause upset in his thinking, his worry or concern that may well arise from telling the truth...so on Monday daddy you are going to the day centre...no, no, no...it's a surprise sort of party, get together with others like you, suffering like you and they will have old stuff there to aid your memories.

At each crossroad along the way I have felt the weakness, the urge to cry but slowly I have to control my emotions as I learn each skill that is needed such as last night, the mishap from toiletry, something that tested my resolve and anxiety and then today the display of anger as my brother came to relieve me for the duty to our father who is living in the moment.

So that's the way it is...normality may never return, no, not may, but never will.

God bless.

Amen

Mum, Dad...? Dementia sucks, okay...

There is something I learned this week, something very important and that is dementia is 24 hour care and it sucks. Full Stop! Luckily in this world my mother had a lifeline and when she fell it came in great use...they rang for an ambulance, they rang myself and that is when the realization sank in...my dad would need 24 hour care.

Sorry dad.

I know deeply you miss mum for she gave you and met your needs. She gave you care. She gave routine. She gave you love. She gave stability. She gave you your breakfast. She gave you your dinner and she gave you your tea. She gave you company. She gave you your meds. She gave her time to dress you and undress you...Make you look smart and clean. She arranged for a carer to come and wash you.

But now dad mum has fallen and hurt herself. You looked pleased to see her, though in a hospital bed. You kissed her like old days. You cried when you left as you have cried all day on and off.

Like when you cared for us it is now time for us to care for you...It may cause a drop of dignity and family order you find confusing.

Dad there are things you can no longer do and we or others must do them for you. Trust us dad and there is no need to be sorry when you shout at us because we understand.
Mum will soon be home and we will be around a little bit more. New routine but still family love.

Your loving son,

 M

Mum was taken to hospital with my good wife in company, a midnight journey, while I stayed with dad...and when he had no desire to retire back to bed I sort of knew this would be a difficult and challenging night..."mum you said dad sleeps like a rock"...clearly only with you mum, only with you!

My dad has dementia, his carer is my mum, so stepping into this caring role, while my mum is laid up in hospital with a broken hip, proves to be a big change and a most confusing change for dad and for me as well...oh yes, for I suffer anxiety, so after the first night I knew that this "game" from my dad will be my biggest challenge.

Yes it is a game, like helping to dress from his PJ's into day clothes...pants up and down like a bloody yoyo...and going out to visit mum the coat zip fastener travels further then us in the car to the hospital. There are small snippets of "my normal" dad and at the hospital bedside of my mum there are classic displays of a husband from long ago...that tickling finger under my mum's chin, a loving kiss of a peck on the lips as visiting time ends but in reality its the tears and the scared look and a frown and of  that whimpering plead of an "I'll miss you, I miss you".

So I have to learn and normalise my dad's routine and in turn will have to change mine. I am thankful for we have a close family and an ace in my sister and between us we SHALL put together a care plan and together we SHALL rally round each other's needs...for maybe God has done this for a reason? What reason I do not yet know but as they say God moves in mysterious ways!

God bless

Amen.

Oh, Deal, why do I not love you.

Oh, Deal, why do I not love you.

I am falling out of love for my town,

Things that have happened,

And things that I do,

Are making me feel down.

I see despair every way I look,

Finding it hard to summon feelings,

In the good that is there,

This is my town and my life it has took.

A creeper we had,

And from us they stole,

A dog we had,

Losing her has taken its toll.

Parents growing old,

And their suffering I see,

Their worry is mine,

Affecting deep in me.

Oh, Deal, why do I not love you,

Born here and lived here,

I now want to go,

Somewhere very different in miles from here.

New housing new people,

Roads clogged with cars,

Weeds in the gutters,

And litter on the streets.

Bins overflowing,

Emptied so so,

Ragged pets running loose,

And leaving their do.

In business I am,

But many their are,

All plying for the same custom,

A worry to survive.

Oh, Deal, why do I not love you,

Born here and lived here,

I now want to go,

Somewhere very different in miles from here.

Kids in and out,

Their rudeness,

Reluctance to help in and around,

Our home our house.

No money,

Few friends,

A dear loving wife,

Two kids and debt,

Consuming my life.

I need to shout,

Find a way to cope,

At the moment I see,

No sign or light or hope.

Oh, Deal, why do I not love you,

Born here and lived here,

I now want to go,

Somewhere very different in miles from here.

Gardening...digging away depression (2)

Well, how has it been in the last two weeks, first signs of Spring, mixed weather and the days slowly drawing longer here. Can mean only one thing: the work will start pouring in and as a gardener I will get busy...in general that's the idea, I hope!

Hocus, pocus...crocus

Yes, Spring is starting and if you did not plant any bulbs in early winter of 2014 then you probably have no pretty flowers making their way into the world. The first flowers you might see are more than likely snowdrops...and believe it or not someone paid a hefty sum for one particular, unusual type. Another spring flower you would see are crocuses...beautiful, vibrant colour and when catching the sun, pose well for a photo.

And so in taking the above, the most wonderful feeling is to share the joy with others on a site such as Gardeners' World...and of another similar shot we shared, the joy was felt by many. Seeing all those likes gave me a lift and hope for a good season ahead...it gets you noticed!

But the joy is not always good, when the weather turned and I was not able to work because of rain then my lift from high is like a big fall of a cliff...despairing at the lost therapeutic deliverance of gardening and, oh of course, the obvious income to survive.

 

...garden ideas...

 

 

One of the more uplifting moments is when working for a client, whom you find so many similarities in their and one's own path of life. They have tales such as yours, different woes, but the same end result...one tends to find empathy but empathising too much can be bad and drift one away from a steady path. So getting back to reality is to find that someone, a client, whom trusts in you and gives you a motivating lift as of the client whom took the pic below, having hired myself to treat the fence.

 

 



 

 

 

Cheap paint, cheap brushes...in fact almost everything from Poundland...boots from second-hand shops, nick knacks from charity chops, and hey presto with a few wood screws the fence is transformed into something of focused interest. And by posting these to my social media page gave me sense of achievement.

 

 

...limited cash flow...

 

 

It is great, getting those moments, they make you feel good about yourself, but as I have mentioned when the weather is against you then the fall is a long way down and too many times I have not wanted to pick myself up and get on with what I am doing best...or at the least ought to be doing.

 

Another thing against me is the limited cash flow, we are on a budget of survival, bills to pay, kids to please and time and cost for ourselves and a small time business that is crying out for ready investment, an investment I don't have...I just don't bloody have it! And in suffering anxiety and depression it makes it just a little harder...yes I smoke...but the smoking helps the relief but then so does the activity of gardening.

 

As my close friend says, my business model appeals to those with low income or might perceive the cost of gardening as expensive but I need investment to purchase better tools and replacements and of course service my car. He points out the opportunity cost of smoking but knows too well that such a habit suppresses my anxiety...get a hobby he says. Could I grow plants to sell as an added side-line? Could I make wooden ornaments for the garden?

 

With my limitations I would have to be very resourceful...perhaps this year will be a time of change be it forced or learnt. Stay with me, pray with me, help me stay on this path...only I can dig away depression. I need my wife, my family, my friends...it is them I must protect. I can do it! So show me your support and help me flourish like a garden for I am me!

 

God Bless and Amen.

 

 





Gardening...digging away depression

I am not exactly sure of the reason why but gardening, I find, is therapeutic to battle depression and anxiety. It maybe the fact of payment or could could be just the  overcoming joy of having achieved something, or it maybe the actual activity of   physical work itself...I think it is the latter or so a doctor might say!

Before I embarked on this adventure of self-employment I was in a "different" place without doubt. I was in a comfort zone, a dangerous comfort zone, dependant on my pleasures of life that 15 years of being employed created, yet an employment that eventually took its toll on my mental health, whereas I had to change course for better or for worse...it had to be done and that meant stepping outside my comfort zone.

You see, probably over the years, I have never been a champion of change...hate it, loathe it, fear it! Yep, FEAR...worry...a sign, a clear sign of mental distortion, makes you anxious and eventually makes you ill with something that only a blind man can see.

And if change means spilling the apple cart or rocking the boat and you have fear of doing so then you cannot make that change, or of there is resistance then you will never implement that change and if there is objectivity, politically, and your trait is to be empathic then you will never force that change...one needs to be of stronger character to make change.

I have no doubt that I could step back into management within the industry I left but would such a move fester more mental stress...well I don't know, I just don't know. Because, you see, I embarked on becoming self-employed, not by desire but out of need...which in turn has its pressures and uncertainty and, with that, due worry.

I n my first year,  by luck I found clients whom I had a great pleasure to work for and in them I saw problems and welfare which at times were more compound than mine. And in working for them I learnt many things, tried in essence to solve problems either by doing or giving the best practical advice.

The most important thing, though the return was low, I was actually happy and it aided my mental well-being. I stopped, had no need to take medication for my suffering, and lost weight, shedding two stone.

But, and this is big but, I did not plan for winter...I mean there are jobs one can still do in the garden during winter, but my clients have gardens that they only wish to have maintained during the growing season. Only one from my knowing had more fallen leaves than that I could cram into my small hatchback. 

I remained, obstinately hopeful that my clients might see that a fruitful and well kept garden, desired work throughout winter as implied in many books and websites...but it were not to be. By chance we had a mild winter and the growing season was very much extended, yet the work would soon come to a grinding, slowing, winding down. 

With my readily, low returns now a drip, drip, drip of a few earnings here and there our income was tight and we had no choice to make some budget cutbacks, difficult when one is already on a DMP and Christmas was fast approaching. 

We put our mortgage on the line, reduced our payments to our DMP...and by chance, put onto a national charity whom surprised us to the fore and sponsored us with a financial grant...a small life-line, a huge sigh of relief, and a bloody big thank-you to a charity I had never even heard of despite  their size and importance.

Still, I had worries creeping back, promoted my services hard almost everyday on social media, self made adverts, picking out advice on gardening websites...and it worked gained some work for new clientele whom had found me via Internet searching. So I must be good at something...getting a good name for myself, I trust, I do so hope otherwise I might fall to calling myself a failure...sadly I do just that!

The biggest fear is getting back in touch with the clients I had last year and in getting new work...trust in others and gaining their trust in you is a massive hurdle to overcome. With all my new clients I have held immense worry and an indescribable fear of failure along with uncertainty. That in turn has manifested also where I have started back with some of my present clients.

Each job, each task, presents a new challenge but I see it as change that I say that I cannot cope with and I do not know why. I should be happy not sad, I should be full of life not down in the dumps, I should be positive not negative...for I have people who are believing and trusting in me and at present I do not seem to be able to return it in anyway.

Maybe, it is the weather, or the dark mornings, or knowing that some of the tasks I do not have the tools to do a sufficiently good job to hand and maybe that displeases me most. Or is it just me, me, me...

This time last year I nearly walked away from everything I had knowing or believing that there was no future. With my gardening business growing, slow though it might be, I have a future, I have a destiny, I have built up goodwill, yet I feel worse than a year ago, deep down, so deep down and it hurts.

I know what I need but don't know how to get there, I know what I must do but don't know how to do it... So crying is what I do! 

I need a hobby and I need a big plan..I need help. I know I have support and there is much love around me to help me cope...I just need a plan of change so I can as a gardener dig away my depression for good.

Amen and God bless.

Ten minute blog....not quite!

Well here I sit with my iPad writing a quick blog just for the sake of writing a quick blog because I haven't wrote a blog, a good blog for sometime. You know, the one that gets you noticed, instant fame, a column in a national rag, one that goes viral in 24hours...yes that type of blog.

But, to write that sort of blog in ten minutes I would have to be a bloody genius of some sort and have blogged about something that has captured the nation's heart strings more or less. Can I do it...well with four minutes gone probably not so...!

So here is what I ought to have done...wife is at bingo and due back soon. Dinner for her is two small jacket spuds, chopped salad and egg mayo. Now with only two minutes left please wish me luck...

Well the leaf is ready done in a bag from the local shop, spuds have been in for last 20 mins so should be blackened by now and crisp and soft inside, egg mayo was contrived earlier in day and I am about now to slice the tomatoes and cucumber and so present all on a plate.

I sort of, well...what can I say...but...effing hate cooking...you see I am the sort who can but won't or can't do...and when you suffer mental illness cooking is one of the least things to worry about and certainly one of the most stressful household tasks.  So in having to take five minutes out from writing just now, have I achieved the ultimate expectant salad for my love...well the proof is in the pudding so to say!

le salad...





Success...I so think! She loves me!

God bless and amen.

A card for good cheer....

A card for good cheer

Does delivering a card bring good cheer,

Why have you not bothered any other year.

What are you after to shove a card through my door,

And you turn and run when it falls on the floor.

Have you no gumption to knock and see,

If at this time of year how is me.

Well I stare out the window at passers-by,

It's been that way for a long old time.

No ever calls at any other time of year,

Except at Christmas to bring good cheer.

My neighbours of old have all passed on,

Replaced with new faces and families their names to me are so anon.

Yet now  I watch and listen from above,

I was once the neighbour that everyone loved.

And just to say why I don't answer the door,

It is because I am not here anymore.

Because no people they called into see,

I died in my sleep in my chair lonely.

So thank you so much for the card to bestow good cheer,

I will open it in Heaven with my Lord this year.

God bless and amen.

Why can't you see when I am ill...(part six)

Yes, I got out...decided to walk away from paid employment. Toughest decision I had ever had to make but got there from talking with my family, friends, doctor and professionals. Oh yes, got a big pay-out, deservedly so, should have taken them for more...bastards!

For almost a whole year my life felt like crap, never was I at such a low ebb. I had great support from my wife...claiming the right benefits it was when we had to go to assessment I knew this was going to be tough...took them weeks to get back with an answer...I had been told whatever I do I would probably have to appeal...that was always the way! But, the reply was taking ages...perhaps I had just been ignored.

And then it came...a big fat NO...you're alright...what the fuck? My wife said you're not appealing you wont be able to cope...I think she was probably right, the system was too slow so I had to sign on for Jobseeker...almost a year on from being ill we needed much more help.

Within six weeks I landed a job at a model train maker in Margate...was not sure how I would cope but the work was so relaxed I was overwhelmed with relief and disbelief. Why aren't all companies like this...however, the work was only temporary and I knew that after Christmas it would come to an end. But that was to be another hurdle.

After Christmas the pressure was on again. I could feel it all around me...had to sign on Jobseeker again and this time reality began to bang home. Due to mix up of letters, I was knocked for six and under pressure I almost cracked...and maybe I would have but for amazing friends and family.

Feel like a nobody...have been told will not qualify for JSA despite my recent work having just ended and now have no income. Cannot live on Christine's wage alone. I now wish I hadn't been ill...all I have done is let my kids and wife down...right now all my respect for life has just gone out of the window but I am too weak and a coward to end my life and I love my family to bits. I admire Christ...ine and all her hardworking, proud of Kelly and her achievements, wish Natalie the best at her snobby school and get great pleasure in watching Lewis play his rugby. I hate being depressed all I want is a job where there is no stress and I can just plod away. Fuck you Tilmanstone! I am sure the life you ruined was worth more than £10000. So what do I do now? I have applied for jobs, posted out my own desire to work on my own doing gardening, created a community page in Class of '79, annoyed you all with my puns on Facebook...but right now it seems pointless to ask for anymore because stupid legislation states I am not entitled to anything...it's not my fault is it?


Yes, I blurted it all out on Facebook...a big scream for help. Couldn't face talking it out with my loved ones...yet I didn't expect this kind of response...more so expected to get slagged off...I could see myself moving on, my family did not need me, that's how I felt and that's what I would have done had it not been for their replies...

Tony Mc: You have not let anyone down mate. The system needs changing to help respectable people like you

Mick J: Chin up mate - you're white, English and married - you're part of the biggest minority in the country, but the only ones who have to work for a living!

Dan B:This country is harsh to people who have worked hard all there life, its a disgrace, remember something good comes out of something bad. Stay positive mate.

Steve C: Be strong Micheal , at our age a massive kick in the goolies of life is to be expected , you are surrounded by friends who like you and family who luv you

Natalie: Love you daddy, you have not let us down, we love you regardless a job/qualifications or illness were you family, love you xx

Mick J: See Michael. Family is the most important thing. Life can be unfair and a struggle unless you've played the system all your life, but with a supportive family you can face it all together. We have to watch every penny, but we are surrounded by scroungers who don't work yet have 50 inch widescreen TV's and always seem to have 20 quid to spend on scratchcards. You're not on your own in this, and your family will love and support you through the difficult times

Tracey W: dont let them get you down,you have a lovely loving family you dont need any more. something will turn up. stay stronge xx

Russell E: This is a small chapter of your life Michael, you already have many achievements and you will get through this and come out the other side a much stronger person.

Angela A: Stay strong mate. U ave friends there for u and a family who love u no matter what. Chin up and smile xx

Claire E: I'm sure your family do not feel you have let them down! Keep your chin up. Xxx

Irene Mac: Hey Michael - you are very brave to have poured your soul and suffering on here, and it can be hard to see the positives when you face set backs in an unfair welfare system, but do take heed of what everyone has said on here . Keep on looking ahead - doors (and gardens) will open to you. For what it's worth am sending you a bloody Big hug. Xxx

Me:  I applied online for a job for B&Q...it was the worst experience of my life felt like I was doing an exam for physiology or something...

Kelly:  Don't worry daddy! It will all be ok :) love you loads!x X x

Jamie T:  Here-here to all earlier comments & you clearly have the most important things: a great wife & children to be proud of. Something WILL turn up but you have to keep chipping away keep those big shoulders up. I'm sure I speak for all of your local Facebook community when I say that I will be on the lookout for opportunities for you my friend.

Bart B: G'day Michael, spring is upon us and all the gardens need attention very soon. Get some flyers out now and the work will come flooding in very soon. The uk is very tough for jobs, hence the reason why we made the move. Your family loves you mate.....

Jamie T: Hey big man, make sure you load a bit of extra fuel money if you quote for Bart's garden.

Me: Yes I charge A tenner per hour plus a return flight to Oz...

Bart B; You will need a ride on mower and don't forget your Akubra . Could always get you to bag up horse poo to fill in your time. You will get those muscles back from those weight training days.

Jamie T: What the F...? Abracadabra?

Bart B C'mon Jamie, you should now that. I don't want Michael burning his head.

Jamie T: Oh, I see.

Bart B: Just put a few corks around it to stop the flies, a bottle of water and he will be well away

Bart B: Might need you to put a few go fast stripes on it Jamie too

Jamie T: Happy to help. Think I'll put the stripes on Michael instead!

Me: Hey you two stop chin wagging on my sympathy vote...

Jamie T; You do know that Bart never really went to Pz, don't you? He moved to the Isle Of Sheppy but was too embarrassed to admit it. Oz sounded a bit more exotic.

Tracey M: I agree with Bart loads of gardens will be needing attention & you just need to promote yourself with business cards flyers & Facebook & get your name out there.


Yes, my wife, my family and my friends rallied me to think straight...doctors to get more meds, out for walks with Tamba...all I had to do was stay positive. I started to post myself as a gardener, and did this repeatedly, everyday until at last, at long last I had a call...

to be continued...

Be positive

When you are

:-(

 

 

SAD

 

 

 

and have no

 

 

££££

 

 

MONEY

 

 

then be

 

 

+ve

 

POSITIVE.

 

:-)

 

 

God bless and amen.